the direct result of peer pressure. where's a psa when you need one?
*reads woman-run world of warcraft meta blogs*
"being a feminist doesn’t mean you’re some buzz-cut lesbian!"
*slams back button*
guy illegally streams WoD alpha using Blizzard’s PAX demo servers.
I watch his stream for a moment and catch dialogue from the portion of the starting scenario he’s doing from Malgrim Stormhand, who says:
Malgrim Stormhand: Draka…come join me in the Iron Horde. Lose that armor and settle down with a REAL MAN.
of all the things to make bigger and more dicklike though, why’d they have to pick ogre head spikes. it does not look tough it does not look manly it looks absurd
it looks like they’re going through a pseudo-punk phase and grew a sad bleached mohawk because yOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO MOM.
Okay so we know War Crimes is gonna be a big ol’ pile of wtf because Golden, while better than Knaak by about 10,000 miles, is still problematic as shit. So I have prepared a counter script to show just how much better this novel could be under the right author and Blizz should hire me.
okay so everyone’s assembling all dignified into the trial and everything is solemn and quiet and they’re counting heads when there’s this music coming from the distance. And people are turning their heads and looking and HERE COMES THE FUCKING CARNIVALE ALA FORSAKEN with a giant ass float with dancers and music and streamers in the air and there’s Sylvanas on top of this giant ass thing like she’s Prince Ali of Ababwa in brand new sparkling designer black and purple armor with jewelry and sparkling like its the Oscars of Azeroth.
And everyone’s eyes just cut straight to Vol’jin and he throws his hands up because he didn’t know about this shit, mon.
And she just saunders up to Taran Zhu who is about to have a heart attack and says “heeeeey since you’re putting ol’ lumpy arms on trial and maaaaaaay find him guilty and maaaaaay need to put him to death I brought something in case you guys need a professionally crafted executionary device…” and come to find out the massive float is actually this MASSIVE GALLOWS MADE OF TWO STATUES OF SLYVANAS LIFTING THEIR ARMS UP AND HOLDING THE NOOSE LIKE A STRING. And she pirouetting gleefully going “I know its so plain right? Dont worry I’m very well prepared HIT IT NATHANOS.”
And ol’ Blightcaller pulls the lever and the ground begins to shake and hydraulics push out steam and the arms lower the noose down to the platform and the trap door drops out…
AND THERE’S FIREWORKS SHOOTING OUT OF THE QUIVERS ON THE STATUES’ BACKS AND THEIR EYES SPIT OUT GREEN FIRE AND THE STATUES ARE ACTUALLY COVERED IN FUCKING GEMS THAT SHINE AND THROW OUT STROBES AND LEVEL 90 ELITE TAUREN CHIEFTAINS (Voljin cuts in: “You actually hired them?!” and Sylvanas is like “Of course, this is a party, right?”) PLAY SICK METAL RIFFS FROM THE CROSS BEAM AND SLYVANAS STANDS AT THE FORE WITH HER CLOAK FLYING OUT AND ARMS RAISED IN TRIUMPH.
"I know its a little understated but I threw it together over night. Anyways I brought REFRESHMENTS, NON-PLAUGED COCKTAILS FOR EVERYBODY!" And the Royal Apothecary Society pops out and starts making martinis because its like rudimentary alchemy, really.
And all the faction leaders are staring in gawking awe until, very quietly, Jaina just starts slow clappin’ it out in a corner cause she’s spent the last week in the same continent as Varian preparing for the trial and the look on his face made this shit worthwhile. And fuck why not, she’ll take a martini or three because she already has a headache anyway. Tyrande, who has long since chucked her phone/gnomish communication device into what remains of the waters in the Vale because Malfurion wont stop blowing it up with shit like where’s my antler roller Im molting here Ty or I cant find my talon cozies, sits down and asks if its actually not plagued and when Jaina shrugs she orders a double sized rum and coke because Elune she really needs to relax somehow.
And Baine just quietly sneaks over and puts a plate on the table full of lemon squares and shrugs as says he brought some for everyone, but by everyone he means enough to feed the whole Shado-pan and then some because Baine stress bakes and its been one long war. But hey, Baine and Jaina are on okay enough terms and she takes one and holy light they are so good. And Tyrande takes one and is like “wow not bad, tauren” and takes another then Voljin shows up and is like “hey mon you made your lemon squares, awesome!” and to break the ice he does this old party trick with two mugs of beer and his tusks to chug them both at the same time and maybe its the martinis or stress but Jaina starts cackling and Tyrande just gets the giggles because of Jaina.
Aggra shows up because she heard Baine brought lemon squares and she’s got a gin and tonic the size of a totem. “Dont you have a kid?” asks Jaina and Aggra just shrugs and is like “pft, babysitter. now hide me, he’s doing that thing again” and Jaina JUST KNOWS and nods and Aggra gets a corner seat to hide her from Thrall who is in a corner with Varian and Velen like their own barbershop trio of pretentious chestbeating blowhards.
And later Lorthemar shows up with an angry owl in his hands and a bottle of brandy in his elbow and shoves the bird and Tyrande “this is for you get them away from me” and it has a scroll in its talons because Malfurion’s read those damn wizard books and thinks its cool now and Tyrande’s just “what do you mean them?” and Lorthemar points to the trees and there’s like 15 of the shits sitting around and waiting and the poor woman just groans and takes the scroll and they’re all the same shit like
Ty wat happened 2 ur device?
r u ok?
ty where is my talon cozy i still cant find it
ty y r u not answering me?
ty im hungry when r u coming home?
ty i luv u babe answer me
ty r u ignoring me
ty i found my cozies
ty where is the roller my antlers r shedding erywhere
and after the 10th message complaining about being hungry she just starshards them all and chugs back her whole drink and the whole table is impressed and Lorthemar sits down and Aggra starts cheering her on and eventually Sylvanas comes over with a refresher because wow she’s knocking it back and Jaina sees even more owls coming in and is like “wanna see a stupid mage trick?”
An hour later they’ve abandoned the table and are sitting in a hair braiding daisy chain as Jaina passes the pipe Voljin brought out back to Lorthemar and polymorphs another owl right out of the air. The whole area is full of bunnies and squirrels running around and dropping on people and Sylvanas sees another passing overhead and is like “GIRAFFE, MAKE IT A GIRAFFE!” and Jaina makes this show of wiggling her fingers and POP a baby giraffe drops down right on Thrall’s head and he yells and it gets tangled in his robes and Varian’s just gone past giving a shit now that he’s got kittens and penguins sitting on his oversized pauldrons like pigeons on a statue.
Meanwhile Suna Silentstrike and Taoshi are making out in a corner and Lilian Voss is teaching a few Shado-pan how to mosh while L90ETC plays another set. Vareesa has like three dudes feeding her cakes and filling her drinks and earlier she came by and sat down by Slyvanas really quietly for ten minutes not talking and walked off and Lorthemar thinks they might have a date to go hunting somewhere? The Windrunners were always weird.
And Garrosh has long peeled off with a tray of lemon squares to the past and Baine, poor Baine, has been put into a corner by Gina Mudclaw and some of the Ironpaws and their lawyers because they want in on this lemon square business. Its culinary GOLD AND THEY CAN MAKE A KILLING BY COPYRIGHTING IT AND MARKETING IT and Baine’s just “uhhhh…sure? How much do I get?” and now they’re discussing rebranding them into ~Golden Vale Bars~ and splitting profits 30/30/40.
And that’s the story of how Sylvanas Windrunner brought peace to the factions and Baine became the richest person on Azeroth.
Golden, Knaak, I await your concession to my superior storytelling skills.
If anyone on my dashboard makes it to the end of this without laughing their asses off, they are stronger than I.
I made it to Lor’themar and the owl before losing it.
tHIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN ANY THING BLIZZARD WILL EVER WRITE im molting jesus christ i almost cried